“How did you give him the wrong idea?” asks a co-worker hearing about the inappropriately presumptuous advances of a mutual acquaintance. “Why did you return her text?” asks a concerned parent whose daughter is being cyberstalked by a fellow student. What these (presumably well-meaning) family, friends, neighbors, and colleagues fail to appreciate is the minimal—if any—level of encouragement some stalkers need to fuel their obsession.

Having prosecuted stalkers for decades, I can share what victims know first-hand: Stalking is a crime that is terrifying for victims and their families, yet severely under reported. Whether sparked by romantic rejection or professional grievance, stalking behavior can be persistent, pervasive, and progressive. Researchers have studied stalking behavior for years, seeking to understand the pattern and practice of unwanted pursuit, with an eye toward prevention and intervention.

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To Respond or Not to Respond: That is the Question

One question that always arises in stalking cases, especially when the victim knows the perpetrator, is what he or she should do to attempt to stop the pursuit. Law enforcement professionals agree that a strong, firm “no” is the best practice. But when that doesn’t work, victims wonder what to try next.

Research has examined a myriad of responses to stalking behavior, from pleading to reasoning to hiding. Contrary to some expectations, many stalking cases involve little or no response or reciprocity from victims.

Research by Leah Quinn-Evans et al. (2021) examined the behavioral sequence of stalking behaviors as shared from the perspective of victims. [i] Acknowledging that legal definitions vary by jurisdiction, they adopted a general definition of stalking as willful continued pursuit or harassment which is unwarranted, with malicious intent, creating fear through “repeated intrusive behaviors.” In recognizing the centrality of emotional distress and fear created by stalking behavior, they noted the important difference between “amorous affection” and behaviors that are disturbing or create fear.

Using behavior sequence analysis, which examines sequences of events over time, Quinn-Evans et al. studied the experiences of 39 stalking victims who described their experiences using online victim support forums. In addition to showing patterns of stalking behavior, their results also indicated that victims did not need to perform many behaviors for stalkers to continue their pursuit.

Quinn-Evans et al. found that, consistent with prior research, stalking behaviors noted within their study included a combination of approach, communication, and surveillance. The actions of the victims they studied, apart from initial relationship building in some cases, were limited to attempting to discourage further contact.

Many victims reported the stalker’s behavior to law enforcement, which was not always a successful method of ending the pursuit. Some victims took more extreme measures such as moving to avoid their stalker, only to realize the stalker discovered their new address through deceiving family and friends, then waited for the victim outside of his or her new address. Quinn-Evans et al. note this may suggest that a victim’s attempt to distance themselves from their stalkers may anger or frustrate the stalker, increasing the potential threat of violence.

Support, Not Stigma

Understanding stalking behavior can empower bystanders to focus on supporting and protecting victims, because many stalkers pursue with or without victim response. But even in cases where victims have taken it upon themselves to try to stop the behavior or tried to “be nice,” support should remain unwavering. Collaboration between victims, their support system, threat assessors, and law enforcement can help keep victims safe—and hold perpetrators accountable.