Self-hatred can stem from a complex mix of emotional, psychological, social, and environmental factors. Here are some of the most common causes:
The Roots and Signs of Self-Hatred
Self-hatred doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It’s often born from a combination of negative experiences, such as childhood trauma, emotional neglect, harsh criticism, or societal pressure to be perfect. These experiences can lead you to internalize a narrative that you are the problem, not the circumstances.
How to Overcome Self-Hatred?
Self-hatred is a deep, painful feeling of worthlessness that can dominate your thoughts and actions. It’s more than just low self-esteem; it’s a pervasive belief that you are inherently flawed, unlovable, and deserving of contempt. While it can feel isolating, it’s a common experience that can be healed with compassion and consistent effort. This guide will help you understand the roots of self-hatred, recognize its signs, and provide you with actionable steps toward building a foundation of self-compassion and self-worth.
Signs to Look For:
Constant Negative Self-Talk: This is the inner critic on overdrive, constantly pointing out flaws and mistakes. You might find yourself using phrases like “I’m so stupid,” or “I always mess everything up.”
Perfectionism and Fear of Failure: You set impossibly high standards for yourself, and any outcome short of perfect confirms your belief that you are not good enough. This often leads to procrastination or avoiding new challenges altogether.
Self-Sabotaging Behaviors: You may unconsciously undermine your own success or happiness, believing that you don’t deserve good things. This can show up in relationships, career choices, or personal goals.
Social Isolation:
You pull away from friends and family, convinced that they will eventually see the “real” you and reject you. This reinforces your belief that you are unworthy ofconnection.
A Path to Healing: Practical Steps
Overcoming self-hatred is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience and kindness toward yourself. Here are some practical steps you can take to begin the healing process.
Practice Self-Compassion Self-compassion is the antidote to self-hatred. It is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend. When the inner critic attacks, consciously replace its words with compassionate ones. For example, when you catch yourself thinking, “I’m so stupid for doing that,” try replacing it with, “That was a difficult situation, and I did my best with what I had at the time.”
Challenge Negative Thoughts Your thoughts are not facts. A key step in overcoming negative thoughts is to question them. When a negative thought arises, ask yourself: “Is this thought 100% true? What is the evidence for it? What is a more balanced or realistic way of looking at this?” This practice helps you break the cycle of automatic negative thinking.
Reclaim Your Power by Setting Boundaries A core component of self-hatred is the belief that your needs don’t matter. By learning to say “no” and setting firm boundaries with others, you are sending a powerful message to yourself that your time, energy, and emotional well-being are valuable. This is a crucial step in building self-respect.
Separate Your Actions from Your Identity You are not your mistakes. Everyone makes them. Instead of labeling yourself as “a failure,” focus on the specific action. For example, instead of saying, “I am a failure because I didn’t get that job,” say, “I didn’t get that job, but I learned a lot from the interview process that I can use next time.” This distinction helps you learn and grow without compromising your self-worth.
Seek Professional Support If self-hatred is impacting your ability to function or find joy, seeking professional help is a brave and important step. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore the root causes of your feelings and provide personalized strategies for healing. You are not alone, and there is no shame in reaching out for help.
Healing from self-hatred is a testament to your resilience. It’s a continuous process of unlearning old habits and consciously choosing kindness. Each small act of self-compassion is a step toward building a new, healthier relationship with yourself. Remember, you deserve to feel worthy of love and happiness.
Signs to Look For:
Constant Negative Self-Talk: This is the inner critic on overdrive, constantly pointing out flaws and mistakes. You might find yourself using phrases like “I’m so stupid,” or “I always mess everything up.”
Perfectionism and Fear of Failure: You set impossibly high standards for yourself, and any outcome short of perfect confirms your belief that you are not good enough. This often leads to procrastination or avoiding new challenges altogether.
Self-Sabotaging Behaviors: You may unconsciously undermine your own success or happiness, believing that you don’t deserve good things. This can show up in relationships, career choices, or personal goals.
Social Isolation: You pull away from friends and family, convinced that they will eventually see the “real” you and reject you. This reinforces your belief that you are unworthy of connection.
A Path to Healing: Practical Steps
Overcoming self-hatred is a journey, not a destination. It requires patience and kindness toward yourself. Here are some practical steps you can take to begin the healing process.
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is the antidote to self-hatred. It is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend. When the inner critic attacks, consciously replace its words with compassionate ones. For example, when you catch yourself thinking, “I’m so stupid for doing that,” try replacing it with, “That was a difficult situation, and I did my best with what I had at the time.”
2. Challenge Negative Thoughts
Your thoughts are not facts. A key step in overcoming negative thoughts is to question them. When a negative thought arises, ask yourself: “Is this thought 100% true? What is the evidence for it? What is a more balanced or realistic way of looking at this?” This practice helps you break the cycle of automatic negative thinking.
3. Reclaim Your Power by Setting Boundaries
A core component of self-hatred is the belief that your needs don’t matter. By learning to say “no” and setting firm boundaries with others, you are sending a powerful message to yourself that your time, energy, and emotional well-being are valuable. This is a crucial step in building self-respect.
4. Separate Your Actions from Your Identity
You are not your mistakes. Everyone makes them. Instead of labeling yourself as “a failure,” focus on the specific action. For example, instead of saying, “I am a failure because I didn’t get that job,” say, “I didn’t get that job, but I learned a lot from the interview process that I can use next time.” This distinction helps you learn and grow without compromising your self-worth.
5. Seek Professional Support
If self-hatred is impacting your ability to function or find joy, seeking professional help is a brave and important step. A therapist can provide a safe space to explore the root causes of your feelings and provide personalized strategies for healing. You are not alone, and there is no shame in reaching out for help.
A Final Thought
Healing from self-hatred is a testament to your resilience. It’s a continuous process of unlearning old habits and consciously choosing kindness. Each small act of self-compassion is a step toward building a new, healthier relationship with yourself. Remember, you deserve to feel worthy of love and happiness.
Confidence isn’t something you either have or you don’t. It’s a skill that can be built, piece by piece, just like any other. By using a few simple “hacks,” you can start to rewire your brain and behavior to feel more assured in any situation.
Here are a few strategies to help you build and maintain a confident mindset.
Hack 1: The “Power Pose”
Your body language doesn’t just reflect your confidence—it can also create it. Adopting a powerful stance for just a few minutes can actually change your brain chemistry, boosting feelings of control and reducing stress.
The Pose: Stand tall with your feet shoulder-width apart, hands on your hips, chest out, and chin up. Think of a superhero.
The Hack: Before a big meeting, a date, or any stressful event, go somewhere private (like a restroom stall) and hold this pose for two minutes. It’s a quick way to trick your brain into feeling more powerful.
Source: While the original research on power posing and hormonal changes has faced some scrutiny due to replication issues, recent meta-analyses suggest that power poses can still have a small, positive effect on self-reported feelings of power and confidence. The core idea is that embodying a posture of power can lead to a shift in your mindset.
Hack 2: The “Small Wins” List
Confidence is built on a track record of success, no matter how small. When you’re feeling a lack of confidence, it’s often because you’re focusing on what you haven’t done instead of what you have.
The Hack: At the end of each day, write down three small things you accomplished. It could be as simple as “made a healthy breakfast,” “replied to an important email,” or “went for a short walk.” This habit trains your brain to notice your successes and builds a positive momentum.
Source: Psychologists often link self-confidence to the concept of self-efficacy, which is the belief in one’s ability to succeed in a specific situation. Achieving small, manageable goals and tasks builds this sense of self-efficacy, making you more persistent in the face of obstacles and more willing to try new things [2].
Hack 3: The “Challenge a Fear” Technique
Avoiding things you fear will only make you more afraid. The best way to build confidence is by proving to yourself that you are capable of handling a challenge.
The Hack: Pick one small, manageable fear and face it head-on. If you’re afraid of public speaking, don’t sign up to give a TED Talk—just volunteer to speak up at a team meeting. If you’re shy about meeting new people, just commit to starting one new conversation. Success builds on success.
Hack 4: The “Negative Self-Talk Audit”
Our inner voice can be our biggest critic. The way we talk to ourselves has a huge impact on our confidence.
The Hack: Become an observer of your thoughts. When you hear a negative thought, don’t try to fight it. Just acknowledge it and reframe it. For example, if you think, “I’m not good at this,” rephrase it to “This is a challenge, but I can learn how to do it.”
Source: Research on mindfulness and self-talk shows a significant negative correlation between negative self-talk and trait mindfulness. Practicing mindfulness helps you to non-judgmentally observe your thoughts, which can reduce the impact of negative self-criticism and improve overall psychological well-being [3].
Hack 5: The “Dress for the Occasion” Mindset
How you present yourself to the world can influence how you feel internally. When you look good, you often feel good.
The Hack: Don’t save your favorite outfits for special occasions. Wear something that makes you feel confident and capable, even if you’re just running errands. This is a subtle way to signal to yourself that you are worthy and prepared for success every day.
Hack 6: The “Fake It ‘Til You Make It” Method
Sometimes, the best way to feel confident is to act like you already are. This isn’t about being dishonest, but about adopting the behaviors and mindset of a confident person.
The Hack: Stand tall, make eye contact, and speak clearly. Actively listen to others and contribute to conversations. By putting on the outward appearance of confidence, you can often trigger the internal feeling.
Source: This concept is well-documented in psychology. By mimicking self-confidence, you can get through uncomfortable situations, which in turn widens your comfort zone. Over time, as you force your way through more of these situations, your genuine self-confidence will grow [2].
Hack 7: The “Smile More” Trick
Smiling is a powerful tool. It not only makes you seem more approachable to others but can also reduce stress and make you feel happier and more positive, which are key components of self-confidence.
The Hack: Make a conscious effort to smile more throughout your day. Smile at people you pass on the street, at colleagues, or even at your own reflection. It’s a simple act with a big impact.
Hack 8: The “Gratitude” Habit
Confidence is often tied to a sense of self-worth. Focusing on what you’re grateful for—your strengths, your accomplishments, your support system—can remind you of your own value.
The Hack: Take a few minutes each morning or evening to list three things you are grateful for. This practice helps shift your focus from self-doubt to self-appreciation.
Source: Neuroscientific research shows that practicing gratitude can activate brain regions associated with reward, increasing the production of “feel-good” neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin. This positive cycle of thinking helps reduce stress and build resilience, both of which are critical for confidence [4].
Additional Resources:
For more in-depth information and professional guidance on building self-confidence, consider exploring these resources:
When you’re dealing with a narcissist, trying something called the “gray rock” approach might just help. The idea is to act kinda bland and unexciting, which can throw off a narcissist’s efforts to control you.
So, the gray rock method is all about not giving an emotional reaction when a narcissist tries to manipulate you. Imagine being like a dull gray rock—just not engaging. By doing this, you dull their desire to poke and prod at your feelings because it takes away the attention they’re after.
Over the years, we’ve all heard the term “narcissist” thrown around to describe someone who seems to care more about themselves than anyone else. Narcissists often use tactics like gaslighting or stirring up drama just to keep control. It’s easier to spot these behaviors in people we know as we become more aware of what narcissism looks like.
Recently, the gray rock method has gained attention as a way to handle these kinds of personalities. It’s super important to remember that if you have to deal with a narcissist, you don’t have to just put up with their behavior. While it might be tough to cut ties completely, minimizing those interactions can make a real difference.
This method doesn’t mean you ignore the narcissist entirely, but you can keep things short and lackluster. Conversing about boring topics and answering with simple responses can help. If they try to push your buttons, you can just nod and smile to keep things low key.
The tricky part? A narcissist won’t give up easily. Initially, they might crank up their efforts to get your attention. But with time, they usually move on when they realize you’re just not the engaging target they want.
Here some simple tips on using the gray rock method:
Disengage: Don’t let them get a reaction out of you. Be calm, speak flatly, and keep your expressions neutral. Avoid eye contact and stick to simple responses. Even if you’re feeling upset, keep it in check—that’s what they want, control over your emotions.
Distract yourself: Find ways to mentally distance yourself. Whether it’s scrolling through your phone or thinking about someone you love, it helps create a buffer. This way, when they ramp up their tactics, it’ll be easier to shrug it off.
Keep it short: Make conversations brief. Don’t share too much of your life, and steer clear of asking about theirs. Just be distant and guarded; remember to focus on protecting your own feelings.
Don’t let them know your strategy: Sharing your game plan can backfire. If a narcissist figures out you’re trying to be boring, they might change their approach to manipulate you even more.
Being on the gray rock path can be really tough, especially if it’s someone close to you. But if you try to make it work the right way, it can help put space between you and their manipulative tactics. Just make sure your other relationships give you the love and attention you need outside of dealing with them. And if it gets too overwhelming, reaching out to a therapist can really help you pick up more strategies and get the support you need.
In the long run, cutting negative ties is ideal. But if you can’t do that, using the gray rock method can shield you from the emotional trauma that comes with dealing with manipulators. It reduces unnecessary drama and protects you from unhealthy interactions. Don’t forget to focus on the bright spots in your life, like the good things you’ve experienced recently. Set your sights on a happier future, because it’s definitely out there waiting for you! Whether you keep that narcissist around or not, aim for a life that feels meaningful and fulfilling.
How it Works and Its Theoretical Basis?
The core principle behind the Grey Rock Method is rooted in the psychological concept of extinction. In behavioral psychology, extinction refers to the a decrease or cessation of a behavior when it is no longer reinforced. Manipulative or abusive individuals often thrive on getting a rise out of their targets—be it anger, frustration, sadness, or a defensive reaction. This emotional response serves as a reward or “narcissistic supply” for them. By “grey rocking,” you remove that reward, making the behavior unfulfilling and leading to its extinction.
Key Components of the Method
Emotional Unresponsiveness: Maintain a neutral demeanor and avoid showing any strong emotions. This can be challenging, as the abuser may escalate their behavior in an attempt to provoke a reaction.
Brief, Factual Responses: Keep all interactions short and to the point. Use one-word answers or simple, non-committal phrases like “Okay,” “I see,” or “That’s good.”
Avoid Personal Details: Do not share any personal information about your life, feelings, or opinions. This prevents the person from collecting “ammunition” to use against you later.
Limit Interaction: Minimize contact whenever possible. If you must interact, keep the conversation focused on neutral or mundane topics, like the weather or work-related tasks.
Origins and Citations
The Grey Rock Method is not a formal, evidence-based psychological technique that originated in academia. Instead, it emerged from online communities and blogs for survivors of emotional abuse and narcissistic relationships.
The term is widely credited to a 2012 blog post by a writer named Skylar on a website about dealing with sociopaths. She described the strategy as becoming “as unresponsive as a rock” to make an abuser lose interest.
While a number of peer-reviewed studies and scholarly articles specifically on the Grey Rock Method are limited, the underlying principles are consistent with established behavioral psychology theories like extinction. For example, a 2015 study on extinction in behavioral learning supports the idea that behaviors stop when they are not reinforced (Todd et al., 2015).
Mental health professionals and clinical psychologists, such as Dr. Ramani Durvasula, have since acknowledged and discussed the method as a valid self-defense and self-preservation tactic in certain situations. It is often recommended as a temporary solution for individuals who cannot completely cut off contact with a toxic person (e.g., a co-parent, a coworker, or a family member).
Important Considerations and Risks
It is crucial to understand that the Grey Rock Method is not a long-term solution or a substitute for professional help.
Potential for Escalation: When a manipulative person is no longer getting the reaction they desire, they may escalate their behavior in an attempt to regain control. This period of heightened abuse is sometimes referred to as an “extinction burst.” It is essential to be prepared for this possibility.
Emotional Toll: Constantly suppressing your emotions and staying on guard can be mentally and emotionally draining. It can lead to feelings of dissociation or emotional numbness.
Safety: The Grey Rock Method should never be used if there is a risk of physical violence. In such situations, the priority should always be personal safety, and a different strategy, such as seeking professional help or getting out of the relationship, is necessary.
Source:
Day, N. J. S., Townsend, M. L., & Grenyer, B. F. S. (2020). Living with pathological narcissism: A qualitative study. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 7(19). This study explores the experiences of people in relationships with narcissists and the strategies they use to cope.
Todd, T. P., Vurbic, D., & Bouton, M. E. (2015). Behavioral and neurobiological mechanisms of extinction in Pavlovian and instrumental learning. Neurobiology of Learning and Memory, 108, 52-64. While not directly about the Grey Rock Method, this research provides the theoretical foundation for how the method is thought to work.
Box breathing, also known as square breathing, is a simple and effective deep breathing technique that can help reduce stress, increase focus, and promote relaxation.
Definition of Box Breathing
Box breathing, also known as square breathing, is a simple yet powerful technique that involves inhaling, holding, exhaling, and holding again, all for equal lengths of time. This rhythmic breathing practice calms the mind, reduces stress, and enhances focus, making it a popular tool for relaxation.
Historical Background and Origins
The roots of box breathing can be traced back to ancient meditation practices, often used by monks and yogis to center their thoughts and promote mindfulness. Although its technique is quite straightforward, it’s been embraced by various cultures worldwide.
Monastic Traditions: Used in Buddhism, helping monks maintain focus during meditation.
Military Training: Adopted by military personnel for stress management and to enhance performance under pressure.
Just like a simple recipe passed down through generations, box breathing offers everyone a way to cultivate calmness in today’s fast-paced world.
Understanding Box Breathing
Components of Box Breathing
Box breathing consists of four key components, each contributing to its effectiveness in promoting relaxation and mental clarity. This technique can seem straightforward, yet the rhythm and duration are crucial to achieving the desired benefits:
Inhale: Breathe in through the nose for a count of four.
Hold: Retain the breath for another count of four.
Exhale: Release the breath slowly through the mouth for four counts.
Hold: Pause again for four counts before the next inhale.
These four steps create the “box” that gives the technique its name.
How Box Breathing Works?
The magic of box breathing lies in its ability to regulate the autonomic nervous system, which plays a critical role in managing stress responses. When practicing, the body shifts from a state of fight-or-flight to one of rest and digest.
Increased Oxygen Flow: Promotes greater oxygenation of the blood, enhancing mental clarity.
Reduced Heart Rate: Slowing down the breath naturally lowers heart rate, signaling the body to relax.
Focus and Clarity: The structured nature of this practice allows the mind to focus sharply on the present moment.
Think of box breathing as a mental reset button — with each cycle, individuals can release tension and foster a sense of calm, readying themselves for whatever challenges lie ahead.
Benefits of Box Breathing
Physical Benefits
Box breathing offers a multitude of physical benefits that can significantly improve overall health. By engaging in this technique regularly, individuals can experience:
Improved Respiratory Function: Enhances lung capacity and oxygen intake.
Lower Blood Pressure: Induces relaxation, leading to decreased blood pressure levels.
Enhanced Immune Function: Reduces stress-related illnesses by promoting a balanced state in the body.
Many users have reported feeling more energized and less fatigued after dedicating just a few minutes to box breathing.
Mental Health Benefits
The mental health advantages of box breathing are just as compelling. This practice can:
Reduce Anxiety: Helps calm the mind and mitigate feelings of anxiety during stressful situations.
Enhance Focus and Concentration: Clears the mental clutter, allowing for improved attention to tasks at hand.
Promote Emotional Stability: Regular practice can contribute to a more balanced emotional state, providing tools for coping with life’s challenges.
For instance, a student preparing for exams found that incorporating box breathing into their routine not only helped reduce their nerves but also improved their focus. These benefits extend beyond immediate stress relief; over time, practitioners often find themselves more resilient in the face of life’s ups and downs.
Scientific Evidence and Research
Studies Supporting Box Breathing
The efficacy of box breathing is not just anecdotal; numerous studies have highlighted its benefits. Research shows that controlled breathing techniques like box breathing can lead to significant improvements in physiological and psychological health.
Clinical Trials: Some studies conducted on military personnel have shown that practicing box breathing reduced stress and enhanced performance during high-pressure situations.
Meta-Analyses: Reviews of multiple studies indicate that controlled breathing can aid in managing anxiety and depression, leading to improved overall mental wellbeing.
These findings suggest that box breathing is a valuable tool for managing stress, supported by empirical evidence.
Impact on Stress and Anxiety Levels
Box breathing has a profound impact on stress and anxiety levels, as confirmed by scientific research. Participants in studies focusing on this technique have experienced:
Decreased Cortisol Levels: Research indicates that structured breathing can lower the production of cortisol, the stress hormone.
Improved Heart Rate Variability (HRV): Increased HRV is associated with a healthier response to stress, which has been observed among regular box breathing practitioners.
For example, many individuals have shared experiences of using box breathing before presentations or important meetings, leading to greater calmness and confidence. The interplay of mind and body through this practice has been well-documented, emphasizing its role in enhancing emotional regulation.
How to Practice Box Breathing?
Step-by-Step Guide to Box Breathing
Practicing box breathing is quite simple and can be done almost anywhere. Here’s a quick step-by-step guide to get started:
Find a Comfortable Position: Sit or stand comfortably with a straight posture.
Inhale: Breathe in slowly through your nose for a count of four.
Hold: Retain your breath for four counts.
Exhale: Let the breath out gently through your mouth for four counts.
Hold: Pause and hold your breath again for another four counts.
Repeat this cycle for several minutes, focusing on the smooth rhythm of your breath. You’ll find that with practice, it becomes a naturally calming routine.
Tips for Incorporating Box Breathing into Daily Routine
Incorporating box breathing into your daily routine can be rewarding and beneficial. Here are some practical tips:
Set Reminders: Use your phone to set daily reminders for practice sessions, ideally at a time when you feel stressed.
Pair it with Other Activities: Blend box breathing with meditation or yoga — both enhance the benefits of the practice.
Practice Before Key Events: Utilize box breathing before meetings, exams, or public speaking to manage anxiety effectively.
Individuals often share how simply taking five minutes to breathe before tackling the day’s tasks can significantly impact their mindset. By making box breathing a regular part of life, one can cultivate a profound sense of calm and focus.
Variations of Box Breathing Techniques
Alternate Nostril Breathing
Alternate nostril breathing, known as Nadi Shodhana in yoga, is a wonderful complement to box breathing. This technique promotes balance and relaxation through focused breath control.
Here’s how to do it:
Close your right nostril with your thumb and inhale through your left nostril for a count of four.
Close the left nostril with your ring finger and release your right nostril; exhale through the right nostril for a count of four.
Inhale through the right nostril for four counts.
Switch nostrils by closing the right nostril again and exhale through the left nostril for four counts.
By alternating breaths, practitioners often report enhanced clarity and peace of mind, much like the calming effects achieved through box breathing.
4-7-8 Breathing Technique
Another popular variation is the 4-7-8 breathing technique, developed by Dr. Andrew Weil. It’s particularly effective for promoting relaxation and sleep quality.
Steps to practice:
Inhale deeply through the nose for a count of four.
Hold the breath for a count of seven.
Exhale slowly through the mouth for a count of eight.
This method encourages a longer exhalation, which enhances relaxation and helps regulate stress levels. Many individuals find that integrating this technique into their evening routine aids in winding down after a hectic day.
Incorporating these variations can enrich one’s breathing practice, providing additional tools for stress management and promoting a deeper connection between body and mind.
Applications of Box Breathing
Use in Fitness and Sports Performance
Box breathing is increasingly recognized in fitness and sports circles for its effectiveness in enhancing performance. Athletes often leverage this technique to sharpen their focus and manage anxiety before competitions.
Enhanced Focus: By centering the mind, box breathing allows athletes to concentrate on their technique and strategy.
Stress Management: Before high-pressure events, athletes use box breathing to calm pre-competition jitters.
For example, many professional runners incorporate box breathing during warm-ups to arrive at the starting line with a clear mind and steady breath.
Role in Meditation and Mindfulness Practices
In the realm of meditation and mindfulness, box breathing serves as a foundational tool for cultivating awareness and tranquility. Practitioners often use it to deepen their meditation experience by anchoring their attention to the breath.
Benefits include:
Enhanced Mindfulness: Focusing on each step of the breathing process fosters present-moment awareness.
Stress Reduction: Regular practice can lead to long-term decreases in stress and anxiety levels.
Emotional Regulation: Box breathing aids in navigating difficult emotions by creating a pause before reactions.
Many who meditate regularly find that starting with box breathing helps settle the mind and body, creating the perfect environment for deeper introspection and relaxation. By integrating this technique into fitness and mindfulness practices, individuals can harness its full potential, leading to both physical and mental breakthroughs.
Precautions and Considerations
Who Should Avoid Box Breathing
While box breathing can benefit many, certain individuals should approach this technique with caution or even avoid it altogether. These groups may include:
People with Respiratory Issues: Individuals with conditions like asthma or chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) should consult a medical professional before practicing.
Those with Anxiety Disorders: For some, controlled breathing can initially amplify feelings of panic or anxiety. It’s crucial to proceed gradually, ideally with professional guidance.
Pregnant Women: Due to changes in breathing patterns and oxygen needs, it’s advisable for pregnant women to seek medical advice before engaging in any intensive breathing exercises.
If you’re unsure whether box breathing is suitable for you, consider consulting a healthcare provider.
Potential Risks and Side Effects
Although box breathing is generally safe, there are potential risks and side effects that practitioners should be aware of:
Dizziness: Extended periods of breath retention may lead to lightheadedness or dizziness due to decreased oxygen levels.
Hyperventilation: If not done mindfully, rapid or irregular breathing patterns could induce hyperventilation, causing anxiety.
Discomfort: Some individuals may experience discomfort or anxiety when focusing solely on their breath.
Listening to the body is essential. If you experience discomfort or any adverse effects during box breathing, it’s best to stop and seek guidance. Maintaining awareness of one’s limits is vital for a safe and beneficial practice, allowing box breathing to be a tool for wellness rather than a source of stress.
Personal Experiences and Testimonials
Stories of Individuals Benefiting from Box Breathing
Many individuals have shared inspiring stories about how box breathing transformed their lives. For instance, Jane, a busy executive, found herself overwhelmed with anxiety at work. After integrating box breathing into her routine, she noticed:
Reduced Stress: She could tackle daunting presentations without feeling paralyzed by nerves.
Greater Clarity: The technique helped her make decisions with greater confidence and focus.
Similarly, Tom, a competitive athlete, reported that box breathing improved his performance. By practicing it before each game, he learned to channel his nerves into positive energy, leading to better game outcomes.
Practical Tips from Experienced Practitioners
Experienced practitioners of box breathing often share useful tips to enhance the practice. Here are a few:
Consistency is Key: Setting aside a specific time each day helps establish a lasting habit.
Use Visualization: Some find that visualizing a box in their mind during the breathing process helps maintain focus.
Start Slow: Beginners should practice for shorter durations, gradually increasing as they become more comfortable.
Many advocates of box breathing agree that these simple yet effective strategies can deepen the practice, allowing individuals to fully harness its benefits for stress management and emotional control. By learning from personal experiences, newcomers can embark on their journey with greater confidence and insight.
Conclusion
Recap of Box Breathing Benefits
In summary, box breathing is a powerful technique that offers a multitude of benefits, both physically and mentally. From enhancing focus and reducing anxiety to improving overall well-being, it’s a simple yet effective practice that anyone can incorporate into their routine. Key takeaway points include:
Calmness and Clarity: Regular practice helps clear mental clutter.
Physical Relaxation: It promotes better oxygen flow and lowers heart rates.
Emotional Regulation: Practicing box breathing aids in managing stress and emotional responses.
Encouragement to Start Practicing Box Breathing
The beauty of box breathing lies in its accessibility — it requires no special equipment and can be practiced virtually anywhere. Encourage yourself to take the first step today. Start with just a few minutes, integrate it into your daily routine, and witness its transformative effects firsthand.
Whether you’re an athlete looking to enhance performance or simply seeking a moment of calm in a hectic day, box breathing can be your ally. Embrace this technique and open the door to a calmer, more focused you. You’ve got nothing to lose and so much to gain!
In today’s fast-paced world, stress is inevitable. However, staying calm under pressure is a skill that can be developed. Whether you’re dealing with a tough day at work, unexpected challenges, or overwhelming emotions, these simple yet effective hacks can help you regain your composure and maintain inner peace.
Instant Calm Hacks
Breathe Deeply – The 4-7-8 technique (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 7, exhale for 8) can quickly reduce anxiety by slowing the heart rate and promoting relaxation. This method is particularly effective before sleep or during moments of intense stress.
Splash Cold Water on Your Face – This activates the mammalian dive reflex, which slows the heart rate and redirects blood flow to vital organs, creating an instant calming effect.
Progressive Muscle Relaxation – Tensing and then relaxing different muscle groups, starting from your toes and working upward, can help relieve physical tension that accumulates with stress.
Box Breathing– This technique, commonly used by Navy SEALs, involves inhaling for 4 seconds, holding for 4 seconds, exhaling for 4 seconds, and holding again for 4 seconds. It helps regulate the nervous system and improve focus under pressure.
Count Backwards – Counting down from 100 or by intervals (like 7s) engages your logical brain, distracting it from stressors and preventing panic from escalating.
Mindset Shifts for Calmness
Practice Gratitude – Listing three things you’re grateful for each day can shift your mindset from stress to positivity by fostering a sense of appreciation and reducing negative thinking.
Reframe the Situation – Ask yourself, “Will this matter in a week, month, or year?” This helps put problems into perspective and prevents overreacting to minor setbacks.
Name Your Emotions – Simply labeling your emotions (“I feel anxious because…”) activates the rational part of your brain, reducing emotional overwhelm. Studies show that naming emotions can lower their intensity.
Use a Mantra – Repeating a calming phrase like “This too shall pass” or “I am in control of my emotions” reinforces a sense of stability and self-confidence.
Environmental Hacks
Listen to Soothing Sounds – Nature sounds, classical music, or white noise can help calm the mind. Studies indicate that binaural beats and 432 Hz music may help reduce stress and improve concentration.
Declutter Your Space – A cluttered environment can contribute to mental overload. Organizing your surroundings promotes mental clarity and reduces feelings of chaos.
Use Aromatherapy – Scents like lavender, chamomile, and peppermint have been shown to lower cortisol levels, the hormone responsible for stress. Using essential oils in a diffuser can create a more tranquil atmosphere.
Dim the Lights – Bright artificial light, especially from screens, can overstimulate the brain. Reducing brightness or using warm-toned lighting can signal your body to relax, especially before bedtime.
Daily Habits for Long-Term Calm
Exercise Regularly – Physical activity releases endorphins, the body’s natural stress relievers. Even a 10-minute walk can help improve mood and reduce anxiety.
Limit Caffeine & Sugar – High sugar and caffeine intake can cause energy crashes and jitteriness, exacerbating anxiety. Opting for herbal tea or water can help maintain a stable mood.
Stick to a Routine – A structured daily routine creates predictability, which helps reduce uncertainty-related stress. Morning and bedtime routines, in particular, can anchor your day.
Get Enough Sleep – Poor sleep increases stress and irritability. Practicing good sleep hygiene, such as avoiding screens before bed and keeping a consistent sleep schedule, can improve emotional regulation.
Spend Time in Nature – Just 10 minutes outdoors can lower cortisol levels and enhance mental clarity. Activities like hiking, gardening, or simply walking in a park can provide mental and emotional relief.
Final Thoughts
Staying calm isn’t about avoiding stress—it’s about managing it effectively. By incorporating these scientifically backed techniques into your daily routine, you can build emotional resilience and maintain inner peace even in the face of life’s challenges. Next time stress strikes, try one of these techniques and feel the difference!
The covert narcissist’s hooks won’t catch everyone, but they’re likely to entrap co-dependent and empathic personality types almost 100% of the time. The covert narcissist differs in some ways to their louder counterpart – the overt narcissist, who is easier to spot with their strong sense of entitlement, arrogant nature, disregard for others and lack of empathy. These folks are loud and proud and have earned their place and title in The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). The covert narcissist is not recognised in the DSM and often presents as the happy-go-lucky sweetie, an altruistic eunuch or the friendly quiet guy who smiles at you every day. They may appear harmless and unassuming, but they are anything but. They do all their damage behind closed doors and use emotional manipulation to gain control. An overt narcissist will stamp on any random stranger who gets in their way (i.e. road rage) but the covert narcissist saves all his or her bad behaviour for their loved one.
Covert Narcissist Say
The covert narcissist may say, ‘Oh you don’t want to listen to me go on but thank you so much for being there for me, I don’t know what I would’ve done if you had not been there, ugh I shudder to think, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, you are an angel.”. This may make the recipient feel overly responsible for the emotional wellbeing and safety of a person they don’t even know very well. It also moves the relationship from that of a casual acquaintance into something much more significant.
The covert narcissist really comes to life in the bedroom. Physical intimacy and seduction are their main speciality and they will move in on their target quickly and relentlessly in the early stages of the relationship. The emotional connection feels very real and the intensity of it makes the connection feel deeper than it actually is. They promise their new girl/boyfriend a lifetime of support, but when they are called upon to give any, they back away and complain that their partner is too demanding.
Later Stages of the New Relationship
In the later stages of the new relationship, there may be random passive aggressive insults or accusations thrown around that are not based in reality but still prompt the target to defend themselves. The attention and blame then move away from the narcissist and onto the target. This type of gaslighting throws victims of narcissistic abuse off guard and cause them to doubt themselves and start to feel they are somehow indebted to the narcissist.
When the relationship ends or when the target wakes up to see the narcissist for who they really are, they’ll experience a range of emotions and are likely to feel very confused. Their mind will be pre-occupied with working out where they went wrong, what they can do to ‘fix’ it, or what can they do to get over this person. In time they will start to experience glimmers of awareness and helpful insights, but for now this person is going to feel emotionally and psychologically drained. Their self-worth has taken another dive, they’re walking around in a daze and they’re feeling intense loneliness. To gain an understanding of what happened right under their very nose, they need to work out how they came emotionally enmeshed with a master manipulator in the first place.
Was the Narcissist Genuinely INTERESTED in who I was during our time together?
A narcissist is generally disinterested in anyone other than themselves. They have no regard whatsoever for what goes on inside another person. This makes it unlikely that they’ll attempt to find out more about their new boy/girlfriend or existing partner unless this information serves a purpose. This means they don’t care about anyone else’s opinions, values, thoughts, emotions or what their favourite movie is. You can tell them about something that has affected you deeply, but it goes right over their head and doesn’t seem to be even acknowledged. This is because not only is any of what you say of any interest to the narcissist, but they are threatened by someone else’s stuff as it takes the attention off them. The narcissist continues to minimise or ignore the everyday activities, worries or joys of their ‘loved’ one because they simply don’t care, but also, they are mindful to never reward another person’s ‘stuff’ with their attention.
Narcissist Intend
A narcissist is only interested in learning what they need to know to support the illusion they are genuinely invested in the wellbeing of another person. If their partner believes this, (or desperately wants to believe it) then the narcissist can get what they want from them. They have to pretend to be interested in the life of their romantic partner and will be, for the most part, quite convincing if their co-dependent partner is ‘asleep’. Co-dependents are great people watchers but once they start to wake up, their BS detection skills, along with their powers of observation improve dramatically. They are able to see patterns within their relationships and begin to realise that the types of people they have been attracting have all been self-serving, one-sided and in-genuine (including friendships).
The narcissist’s ‘lack of interest’ is really a nicer way of describing their underlying contempt – which sums up all they really feel for their romantic partner (as well as most other folks). Their lack of interest can be detected in a number of ways, the most notable is how they brush over anything their partner has to say. They may respond to their conversation with total silence, by changing the subject, accusing their partner of being negative, or flattering them in an overt way that has nothing to do with the actual topic of conversation. These tactics work well to stop them from sharing their every-day concerns, worries, feelings, emotions or personal goals, or whatever is uniquely to do with THEM, and not so much with the narcissist.
Two Circumstances
There are only one or two circumstances whereby the narcissist will verbally express an interest in their partner’s personal stuff. Fear of losing their partner may prompt them to act and this is when a suspiciously timed, kind and considerate comment or question will be pulled out the bag. Much to the co-dependent’s surprise, they find out that the narcissist HAD been listening to them during the initial conversation but was in fact saving any acknowledgment of it for emergencies (manipulation purposes) only. They also show interest in their partner’s ‘stuff’ as they judge and criticise it. The narcissist will never genuinely support any of their partner’s dreams, aspiration or decisions because all that is about another person and not the narcissist. If you feel like you’re not being heard – ever – then it’s because the person you’re talking to only hears what they need to hear, which is anything that relates directly to them.
The covert narcissist will appear to be totally infatuated with their new girl/boyfriend, they seem to be in love with the very essence of you, yet all the unique aspects that make a person who they are, i.e., their personal history, what they enjoy doing, their thoughts, feelings and their specific goals, will be rejected by the narcissist when he or she turns their back on any conversation that is not focussed on them or their needs. The co-dependent notices that this pattern of behaviour doesn’t quite align with how the narcissist has presented themselves, but will often dismiss it by thinking, “Maybe this is just his way of keeping me on track and focussed on what really matters”. Which is very true.
Tactics to Covert Narcissists to Manipulate
The following tactics are used by covert narcissists to manipulate their targets into believing they’re loved and supported instead of being used for gain.
Flattery and Fantasy
The covert narcissist is an expert flatterer and they love to engage in fantasy talk during the early stages of a would-be romantic connection. These tactics are also used by the overt narcissist, but not as consistently because the overt narcissist expects flattery to be directed at them, not the other way around. Flattery is a highly manipulative tool and works well on those who’ve seldom heard a kind word from previous romantic partners or their parents. To be told you are beautiful, sexy, wonderful, funny and smart, over and over again, is a powerful grooming technique when used on the right person. But the narcissist’s flattery doesn’t align with their actions or their responses to actual conversations and everyday reality. Their sweet talk and promises of a wonderful life are an oasis in the desert to the approval and acceptance starved co-dependent but like the oasis, none of it is real. The covert narcissist also appears to be very in touch with their emotional side, and this can be very appealing to the co-dependent who has only ever known overt narcissists and/or emotionally abusive parent(s).
Flattering comments
Flattering comments are intended to hit the mark and will be carefully customised around what they think the other person needs to hear. If the co-dependent steps in to help the covert narcissist in some way (as they are likely to do) they’ll be given the “You’re such a good person – truly one in a million, there’s not many people left in the world like you” line, which makes the co-dependent feel accepted, wanted and approved of, and are likely all the things they never felt as a child. Random golden nuggets of acceptance are delivered into the conversation but are often inappropriately placed and non-specific, i.e. the same complement might be said to a random stranger. Comments that refer to ‘being together’ in the future cement the deal for the co-dependent and although these suggestions are out-the-blue and inappropriate to the relationship timeline, they don’t seem to notice because they already believe they’ve met the man of their dreams.
Are they living in the Real World?
The covert narcissist’s thinking is largely fantasy-based, and conversations often revolve around plans for the future or escaping from, or idolising their past. They will draw their partner into their fantasy world where the present is seldom discussed. They don’t wish to know what’s happening in the everyday life of their girl/boyfriend and if they are being subjected to any details about it, they’ll play a mini-silent treatment or quickly change the subject to their preferred type of conversation – one that fantasises achieving the near-impossible, such as winning the lottery. They live their life idealising everything in life they want but don’t have and keep drawing their partners into the delusion.
Poor Me Syndrome
The ‘Poor Me’ tactic works well on the sleeping co-dependent because it activates their deeply embedded people-pleasing programme. They were likely watching their parent(s) from a very early age instead of climbing trees and are experts at making someone ‘feel better’ because when someone else feels OK, their life gets better by default.
If they see an injured bird, they’re there – running through fire and traffic to help. An emotionally injured narcissist lets out a distress signal that only the co-dependent hears. Their wounds are often the result of the unwanted departure of their long-suffering wife or husband. This causes a huge narcissistic injury and the co-dependent is now racing towards them with their superhero cape flapping behind them. They are now on hand to mop the brow of this individual who is clearly suffering. The narcissist is not used to being on the receiving end of suffering as they are the ones who routinely dish it out – this situation is new and totally unfair for them.
Narcissist Laps up all the Loving Concern
The narcissist laps up all the loving concern and advise and starts to demand more and more of it, and all the while, the truth of their situation is withheld or concealed. Being secretive, withholding information under the guise of it being too painful to discuss, or they are not emotionally ready to disclose it yet, buys them time and more attention. The co-dependent fills in the gaps to the story but is often way off the mark. The amount of pain the narcissist expresses makes the co-dependent think that their former partner must have passed away and he can’t yet say the words, ‘my wife has died’. Whatever is said, not said, lied about or fantasised about, their goal is to secure empathy, support and narcissistic supply.
When the co-dependent finally realises that not all is what it seems to be, they have already been seduced, hooked and weakened. If they listen to their instincts and their friends, they’ll soon join the real world and see things as they are, and the ‘cruel’ (or presumed dead) ex-wife will be seen more like a victim.
What Happens when you Terminate a Relationship with a Covert Narcissist?
Here a narcissist’s true identity will be revealed, and their target has their suspicions confirmed – they are dealing with a master manipulator who couldn’t care less about them. Guilt-tripping tactics are used with gay abandon and suddenly the narcissist’s victim is no longer the most amazing person in the world, they are the worst person in the world. They’ll say, “You were all I had in the world, now I have no-one” – even though you first met only a few weeks ago. They’ll tell you how devastated they are and will shout and scream, over and over “What did I do?”, dramatically on the street, or in front of neighbours or work colleagues.
Bullshitting
But they are not bullshitting this time, they truly are devastated – they don’t want to be alone, because they can’t be alone. They engage in some self-bashing in an attempt to get their target to feel sorry for them but will quickly revert to blaming the other person for misleading and not being open or honest (which is really a projection of their own behaviour). They will ignore the target’s personal boundaries and bombard them with more ‘poor me’ talk, accusations, blaming or whatever works to get their target back in place. They will make this already exhausted person feel responsible for ruining their life and abandoning them.
The guilt-trips are effective in preventing the target from remembering what is real and what is not and distracts them as they try to heal and recover. Meanwhile, the narcissist won’t be suffering for long, he will already be out fishing for his next victim and he’s very good at what he does.
Repelling or Avoiding the Covert Narcissist
The saying, ‘prevention is better than cure’ comes to mind here. It is far easier to deflect a highly manipulative person in the early stages of a relationship or friendship than later on down the track. The post-separation stage will feel like psychological warfare and the victim will become acutely aware of just how low the narcissist will go in their attempts to turn them – the victim, into the bad guy.
The following guidelines are taken from Dr Todd Grande’s (2019) YouTube video – Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits and details the steps we can take to gently untangle ourselves from someone who is getting way too close for comfort. Most rejections will repel a vulnerable narcissist.
Don’t do things for them that they can do themselves.
Don’t accept any in-genuine help from them.
Encouraging them to make decisions on their own will likely repel them – they want you on board to help.
Keep away from, or don’t express interest in a physical relationship – they will typically want to advance this quickly and they are very persuasive.
Maintain your boundaries, i.e. let them know what is OK for you, and what is not.
Don’t let them do you any favours – this will be used against you and give the narcissist an opportunity to say you owe them.
Put them in their place – let them know exactly where they fit into your life. If they try to gaslight you into believing the friendship is more than it is, or that they have known you for a lot longer than they really have – state the reality for them.
Be happy for them when they do anything that doesn’t involve you. Encouraging them to do things separately from you will repel them because they want you to need them as they need you.
When they try to advance the relationship, i.e. changing the mode of contact to a more intimate one, or suggesting you have lunch in a café together instead at work with other colleagues, say, “I like the way things are now”.
Recovering and Healing
Recovering and healing begins by looking inside ourselves for answers. What was it about us that attracted such a person in the first place? Why did we ignore the signs and our own intuition? Why do we need to pretend all is OK when it isn’t? Have we been seeing reality for what it is, or only what we want it to be? Have our previous partners been looking for love or looking for help?
What do we need to address within ourselves, to make the shift towards attracting emotionally healthy, authentic people into our lives?
If this post resonates with you or someone you know, please comment and share! My goal is to connect with others to bring awareness and choice to those affected by childhood emotional neglect and narcissistic abuse.
Zoe is a Kinesiologist and Natural Health and Wellbeing Practitioner, specialising in the healing from co-dependent relationships. See www.innerhealthandhealing.net to learn more about how kinesiology can help us recover and heal energetically from toxic relationships and previously held co-dependent patterns, so we can live more meaningful lives. Follow the BLOG – “A Recovery of Self” for notifications of upcoming posts on recovery and healing from childhood emotional neglect, codependency and narcissistic abuse.
Photo by Heleno-Kaizer on Unsplash
References:
American Psychiatric Association (2013): Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 2013 (5th edition). U.S: American Psychiatric Association.
Grande, T (2019) Repelling a Vulnerable Narcissist/Borderline/Histrionic and Dependent Traits, YouTube video, viewed September 2019.
Everyone’s relationship can use a boost. Knowing strategies to fix problems or prevent them is important.
You can “do more” by working on the relationship or “demand less” by focusing on managing expectations.
You can better appreciate what you have by focusing on the positives and what works well.
Source: Jennifer Murray/Pexels
When it comes to relationships, we tend to overcomplicate things.
We start wondering if this person is “the one” and if everything will remain perfect. Inevitably, reality falls short of our expectations. When we encounter problems, it can feel overwhelming. Or perhaps we start to feel adrift in love.
How will you deal with this? What should you do? You could read the scientific literature, go to counseling, or wade through all of the questionable relationship advice, hoping to uncover something useful.
It’s a lot to process, making you want to do nothing and hope for the best. While that may make you feel better temporarily, it’s not what will ultimately make your relationship better.
Ready for some good news? Relationship improvement is simpler than it may seem. It comes down to three basic strategies.
1. Do More
The “do more” types are the people who see a problem and attack it head-on. If you’re this type, you have difficulty just sitting there. Instead, you want to do something—anything. You want to dive in and devote the time and energy to fix what’s wrong. You like to be proactive by looking for what you can add or improve to address potential problems before they arise.
As Nicholas Sparks wrote in The Notebook, “So, it’s not gonna be easy. It’s gonna be really hard. We’re gonna have to work at this every day…” That’s OK. It’s natural and part of how people build strong relationships. The work makes it worth it. Here are a few ways to do more:
Doing more in bed: Here’s a fun one: Doing more sexually, particularly in terms of greater sexual/erotic variety, increases sexual arousal and desire (Morton & Gorzalka, 2015). More desire and arousal improve sexual satisfaction by counteracting familiarity and boredom, which helps minimize the potential for infidelity. Win-win.
The four-hour relationship: Doing more doesn’t have to be time-consuming. A week has 168 hours. Start by making your relationship a priority for four of those hours each week to see the benefits. To make that time even more impactful, have date nights featuring “N.I.C.E.” activities or those that are “new, interesting, challenging, and exciting.” Research shows that couples who do things together with those four qualities have better relationships (Aron et al., 2022).
Building relationship skills: Spend some of those four hours each week building your relationship skills. There are lots to choose from, but here are some of the best: communication, conflict resolution, how well you know your partner, how well you know yourself, life management, stress management, and sexual/romantic skills (Epstein et al., 2013). The good news is that most of these skills relate to self-improvement (i.e., you don’t need your partner’s help), which makes them easier to implement. Because they’re skills, it also means there is always room for improvement, so returning to them often is helpful. It’s worth the effort because research shows that the better you are at these skills, the better your relationship will be.
2. Demand Less
Don’t feel like you have the time or energy to add more to your already hectic life? Sometimes the answer isn’t to do more but to want less. This isn’t suggesting that you should throw out all of your standards. Rather, you want to properly calibrate your expectations and be more realistic. Savor having enough.
The “demand less” strategy will appeal to those who realize how their own interpretation or evaluation of their partner’s actions or their own rules for the relationship impact their happiness. For example, seeing a partner’s occasional moodiness as a deal breaker or believing couples in good relationships don’t fight are both counterproductive.
The key to this approach is to realize that, as Hamlet said, “…there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” In other words, the problem may not be the relationship, but your perspective. Learning more about what makes relationships work will help.
Soulmate solution? Everyone loves a little romance in their relationship. There are few things more romantic than soulmates. However, seeing your partner as a soulmate can force them to live up to a nearly impossible standard. That’s because no one is really that flawless. Soulmates are allegedly your perfect match—the one person who is best suited for you, the person you’re destined to be with (Knee & Petty, 2013). When your partner inevitably falls short of soulmate-worthy performance, you’re left with doubt. Now you may wonder if this is the right relationship, the right partner, and your relationship may feel like a fraud. All for potentially nothing. It’s unfair. The fact is, soulmates are more mythical than magical. Ditch the impossible standards.
Manage expectations. In the movie “Up in the Air,” Anna Kendrick’s character, Natalie, has an extensive and oddly specific list of what she wants in a partner and self-righteously proclaims, “I just don’t want to settle.” Vera Farmiga’s more experienced character, Alex, explains that not checking every box on a partner wish list isn’t a failure. Unrealistic expectations, however, will absolutely fail you because they set your partner and your relationship up for constant disappointment. Instead, demand less by realizing you’re not perfect, which makes it perfectly reasonable that you’re partner isn’t either. Having exceedingly high expectations and always wanting more can result in not appreciating the great partner you have.
Don’t go looking for problems. Even if your expectations are properly calibrated, you may still be overly critical of your partner and relationship. We have a natural negativity bias that encourages us to pay more attention to the bad aspects of an experience (Rozin & Royzman, 2001). One way that happens is by engaging in “problemicity” or finding problems where they don’t exist. In fact, research suggests that when your relationship doesn’t have any big problems, you tend to overemphasize the smaller issues (Levari et al., 2018). An easy way to demand less is by not manufacturing drama and seeking out problems.
Careful, though: Demanding less is not about disregarding all of your standards. While lowering expectations a bit can improve happiness, if you go too far you’ll surely be miserable. Go far enough and the world’s worst relationship may seem acceptable. Ultimately, the best standards and expectations are reasonable and realistic.
3. Better Appreciate What You Have
Good news: The best fixes are sometimes the simplest ones. If finding time to “do more” feels impossible and your expectations are honestly fair, you may think, “Now what?” Well, you can use perhaps the easiest strategy of them all: Cherish your current relationship. Alan Kay said, “A change of perspective is worth 80 IQ points.” Wise words. Time to get wiser about your love life.
Adopt an attitude of gratitude. Sometimes relationship improvement is as simple as being more thankful for what you already have. Take stock of everything about your relationship that is easy, comfortable, uncomplicated, stable, and predictable. We take so much for granted in our relationship, but especially these basic building blocks. But they are each fundamental to your relationship’s success. Something as simple as expressing gratitude about them (or other positive aspects of your relationship) improves relationship quality (Algoe et al., 2013).
Celebrate the positives. It’s also OK to take that appreciation one step further by doing even more to highlight the good parts. Researchers call this capitalization and find that savoring the good news and positive moments in a relationship boosts individual partners’ well-being and self-esteem (Gable & Reis, 2010). Capitalization also increases the relationship’s closeness, satisfaction, intimacy, and commitment. Ultimately, good relationships have a lot more positives than negatives. We have to take the time to notice.
Use your illusions. Now you may wonder if you can take all this gratitude and positivity too far. What if your partner and relationship really aren’t as great as you’re making it seem? What if you’re wrong, or worse, lying to yourself? That’s OK. In fact, holding positive illusions, whereby you see your relationship as better than it is, actually helps the relationship (Murray et al., 1996). Our overly generous assessments give our partner a goal to aim for that encourages their improvement (e.g., “My partner thinks I’m really wonderful, so I better make sure I am so they’re not disappointed.”), which ultimately benefits the relationship.
What’s Best?
Which of these three strategies is best? Whichever one you’re most likely to actually use. That comes down to how you prefer to tackle problems.
If you’re action-oriented, do more.
Can you be a bit picky, judgmental, or hard to please? Demand less.
If you feel like you simply need to take a step back and reevaluate, take a moment to better appreciate what you have.
Pick the one that’s going to let you get started right away. Once you put that into effect, you’ll build some positive momentum that you can use to add other strategies. Mix and match, or stick with the one that works best. The only thing that matters is that you’re working to improve your relationship. Its future is too important to do anything else.
Algoe, S. B., Fredrickson, B. L., & Gable, S. L. (2013). The social functions of the emotion of gratitude via expression. Emotion, 13(4), 605–609.(i)
Aron, A., Lewandowski, G., Branand, B., Mashek, D., & Aron, E. (2022). Self-expansion motivation and inclusion of others in self: An updated review. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships.(i)
Epstein, R., Warfel, R., Johnson, J., Smith, R., & McKinney, P. (2013). Which relationship skills count most? Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 12 (4), 297–313,(i)
Gable, S. L., & Reis, H. T. (2010). Good news! Capitalizing on positive events in an interpersonal context. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.), Advances in experimental social psychology, Vol. 42, pp. 195–257). Academic Press. (i)
Knee, C. R., & Petty, K. N. (2013). Implicit theories of relationships: Destiny and growth beliefs. In J. A. Simpson & L. Campbell (Eds.), The Oxford Handbook of Close Relationships (pp. 183–198). Oxford University Press.
Levari, D. E., Gilbert, D. T., Wilson, T. D., Sievers, B., Amodio, D. M., & Wheatley, T. (2018). Prevalence-induced concept change in human judgment. Science, 360(6396), 1465–1467.
Morton, H., & Gorzalka, B. B. (2015). Role of partner novelty in sexual functioning: A review. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 41(6), 593–609.(i)
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., & Griffin, D. W. (1996). The self-fulfilling nature of positive illusions in romantic relationships: Love is not blind, but prescient. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 71(6), 1155–1180.
Rozin, P., & Royzman, E. B. (2001). Negativity bias, negativity dominance, and contagion. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 5(4), 296–320.
Self-respect is an important concept in understanding the human condition. It refers to the positive regard for oneself and the willingness to be held accountable for one’s actions. It also involves a personal understanding of values, beliefs, and goals and a strong sense of self-control and autonomy. Self-respect can help you become more successful in life and manifest itself into tangible rewards such as business success.
Three parts of self-respect
Competence
Self-respect is largely associated with competence or mastery over a task, relationship, or situation. When someone has high self-esteem, they are more likely to take on challenges and persist until they have achieved mastery of their goal. By doing so, people who practice self-respect demonstrate their commitment to learning and growing, which leads to improved performance in all areas of life. This competence often translates into greater business success when leading teams or dealing with customers or clients.
Confidence
Achieving mastery over a task also gives rise to more confidence in decision-making processes within business environments. People with self-respect tend to have great faith in their ability to make decisions that will benefit them in the short term and long term. This confidence builds trust among customers and clients, leading to increased sales opportunities and better relationships with partners and stakeholders.
Connectedness
Connectedness cannot be underestimated when achieving success in any endeavor, including business pursuits. People who respect themselves are more likely to develop meaningful relationships with others because they value themselves just as much as they value others around them. This level of connectedness encourages teamwork and collaboration, resulting in higher productivity and, ultimately, greater returns on investment for businesses that embrace this culture within their organization.
How to Develop Self Respect?
Developing a good sense of self-esteem takes time and effort, but there are several ways you can begin the process today:
Set Reasonable Goals for Yourself: Setting achievable goals for yourself not only gives you something tangible to work towards but also indicates that you believe in your abilities enough to make things happen for yourself – this builds confidence over time as each goal is achieved!
Celebrate Your Accomplishments: Taking time out each day or week to reflect on the progress made towards achieving your goals will help solidify your accomplishments, both big and small, while further boosting your confidence levels over time!
Practice Positive Affirmations & Mantras: Positive affirmations are statements that encourage positive thinking patterns, which ultimately lead to an increase in self-worth! Taking time each day to write down mantras or affirmations can help rewire those negative thought patterns that may be holding us back from achieving our full potential!
Ultimately, having self-respect is essential for anyone looking to achieve personal and professional success. The positive regard for oneself leads not only towards improved performance but also helps build strong and trusting relationships with others
Psychopathy is strongly linked to aggressive behavior.
Traits associated with psychopathy include coldness, callousness, and manipulativeness.
In particular, callous and manipulative traits are linked with future aggression.
Danger or Drama
Not all psychopathic traits are equally dangerous.
We have all heard the stereotype. “Psychopaths” are crazy axe murderers without conscience. Yet most people appreciate that there is far more to the analysis regarding the types of individuals who are likely to engage in aggressive or violent behavior. Research presents an even more nuanced picture of what makes individuals dangerous, including traits clinically indicative of psychopathy.
One feature of dark personalities, psychopathy in particular, that complicates interpersonal relationships is its visually undetectable presence. Dark personalities walk among us in tailored clothing, carrying monogrammed briefcases; they pass us in shopping malls, busy streets, and corporate hallways, visually indistinguishable from their peers. Yet they are often perceived not through credentials, but conduct. Although antagonistic and adversarial behavior comes in many shapes and forms, there are particular attributes and personality characteristics that make an individual more or less likely to engage in aggressive behavior.
A.L. Robbins and M.M. Yalch (2025) acknowledge that psychopathy is “one of the strongest correlates of aggressive behavior,” and studied which dimensions of psychopathy were most closely linked.[i] They describe psychopathy as “a callous lack of empathy and remorse, impulsivity, and superficial charm” (citing Cleckley, 1982; Hare, 1993). They explain that, similar to aggression, psychopathy has a broad range of characteristics, with the most expansive model describing 18 illustrative traits including coldness, arrogance, callousness, and manipulativeness (citing Lynam and colleagues, 2013). They note that a simpler model conceptualizes psychopathy through three broader traits: boldness, meanness, and disinhibition (citing Patrick and colleagues, 2009).
Studying a nonforensic sample of both men and women, Robbins and Yalch found that when it comes to specific traits, callous manipulation was most closely linked with all forms of aggressive behaviors, such as rule-breaking, social aggression, and physical aggression, consistent with research indicating that callous and manipulative traits are linked with future aggression and antisocial behavior. They recognize that this link suggests a significant personality dimension that facilitates aggressive behavior is the lack of caring for others and consequent willingness to use them accordingly to further one’s own goals or purposes.
As with other types of negative personality traits, some factors counteract adverse consequences and bad behavior. Robbins and Yalch explain that their results illustrate that the propensity to manipulate others without remorse is associated with several different types of aggression, but that decreased self-esteem may protect against rule-breaking and social aggression. They recognize that one way to interpret the modest negative association between grandiosity, rule-breaking, and social aggression could be that low self-esteem drives these two forms of aggression. More specifically, although feeling very little for others contributes to aggression in general, feeling bad about oneself affects rule-breaking and social aggression in particular.
Managing Difficult Personalities
As a general rule, dangerous people in the workplace, school, or community should be managed by trained, experienced threat assessors, security professionals, and law enforcement. Yet in terms of practical considerations, in both personal or professional contexts, anyone who has to manage or interact with individuals exhibiting problematic or antisocial behavior who do not pose an immediate threat is nevertheless wise to consider how to proceed. Although employers, for example, cannot clinically diagnose personality disorders, they can consider potential management methods by noting whether certain behaviors are a consistent expression of interpersonal negativity or situationally specific. Similarly, within other social contexts, co-workers, neighbors, friends, or family members who know more about the source of adversity can brainstorm ideas for intervention, management, or ideally, positive solutions. And remember, ultimately, when practical solutions are insufficient or ineffective, professionall help is available.
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References
[i] Robbins, A. L., & Yalch, M. M. (2025). The hierarchical structure of psychopathy and the prediction of aggression. Journal of Threat Assessment and Management. Advance online publication.
Wendy L. Patrick, J.D., Ph.D., is a career trial attorney, behavioral analyst, author of Why Bad Looks Good, Red Flags, and co-author of the revised New York Times bestseller Reading People.
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